Porn stars

When we were in Belize there were these Americans making this movie, Dogs of War, I think it was called. Christopher Walken was in it, I remember that. Anyway, it was based somewhere in Africa but the political situation was too sensitive there or something and they filmed it in Belize instead, where all the foliage was more or less the same. The director, John Irvin, or someone like that came to our camp, wanting soldiers to act as extras.

Obviously, we all wanted to be in it and all lined up hoping to get a part as dead soldier #23 or limping soldier #37 or whatever. Cuddles and I were hoping for ‘soldier getting a blow job in background’. This guy Irvin was very disappointed with what he saw, said we didn’t look like soldiers, said we looked like a bunch of spotty teenagers. Sad fact is that that’s what most soldiers do look like, spotty teenagers. Our Sergeant Major did his nut. “What do you mean, they don’t look like proper soldiers, you fucking homo?!” he ranted, “Have you any idea how many battles these men have been in?” Irvin was unimpressed, he wanted gnarled looking 40 somethings, not spotty teenagers.

Afterwards Cuddles and I chatted up some of the production assistants and Cuddles landed us auditions in a low budget porn movie, “Nymphoid Barbarians in Dinosaur Hell III”. I was reluctant, “I don’t have a big enough dick.” I argued but he said that it didn’t matter, as long as I could maintain wood. Now, that was one thing I could do, so I went along with it. The auditions went like this:

I stood there, naked and erect, in front of a group of strangers, they all laughed and pointed and told me they’d let me know. Cuddle’s audition went a little better, they were impressed with what they saw and it only went bad when they suggested that he performed a gay scene. Needless to say, some noses got broken and we were lucky that we were on good terms with the local chief of police.

Cuddles and I went back to soldiering, back to what we knew and what we were good at. We never became porn stars, we never should have. He would whip it out, nevertheless, on occasion.”See that?” he’d challenge everyone, “I could have been fuckin’ famous for that!” He was right too, he could.

more from this series

12 responses

  1. HA! I’d hate you for being so talented if this wasn’t so amusing. *sigh* one day I’ll quit the army and be a real boy too!!

    12.08.31 at 12.14

  2. Ohhh noooo!!! I love this series Kyle.

    12.06.10 at 10.10

  3. Great stuff!

    12.06.10 at 06.54

  4. ‘Nymphoid Barbarians in Dinosaur Hell III’ — Part III — really?! Ahahahaha! I like this story — the bit about the young soldiers is sad.

    12.06.09 at 21.17

    • thank you, it is sad that the men we send out to die and kill for us are on the whole not much more than children – it might have been NBIDH 4, i can’t remember now :)

      12.06.10 at 06.21

  5. I hope you don’t mind – I’ve given you a Sunshine Award. You don’t have to accept it – it’s just a token of my appreciation and enjoyment of your blog. If you do accept it, it has various rules (I never apply them exactly, myself). Your award can be found here at http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/introducing-the-magnificent-the-talented-the-blogolicious/. Happy blogging!

    12.06.09 at 19.47

    • thank you rose, the thought that you would nominate has me so flattered that not only am i erect but am almost coming with delight – thank you

      12.06.10 at 06.20

  6. Kyle, this is GREAT! More, please :D

    12.06.09 at 17.02

    • i certainly plan some more – thank you for liking it susan

      12.06.09 at 19.43

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